But I really needed water water water
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.