Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”![]()
Every work meeting this week
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
This pepper has seen some shit
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Labreador
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???