Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
You Might Also Like
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.