Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
catch me on valentine’s day like
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not