The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection