I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If only
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.