I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Every haunted house movie:
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula