Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*cough*
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.