ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.