I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality