Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
it’s the silliest best thing
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.