馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
bought wrong eggs
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: I鈥檓 going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It鈥檚 Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.