My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.