Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Ha
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE