my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.