me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
How to wake up a Beagle
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Social Media and Real life
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy