In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?