“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.