ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week