i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I love you…
…r dog.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.