*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair