Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
So glad we cleared that up
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I can’t stop laughing at this
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.