stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.