Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

they finally got him. they got macavity

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..