An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My birthstone is kidney
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Stonehinge
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
lmao
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’