Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Not all heroes wear capes…
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house