<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time