Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
You Might Also Like
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Are we there yet?…
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*