I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”