8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Well well well…
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂