Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Brother?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”