Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”