I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
This makes total sense…
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.