[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.