We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference