Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so