*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more