Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
This is Sparta
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I never needed anything more in my life
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?