The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
im 7 sauces long
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Realize this:
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.