The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!