1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
okay run it by me one more time