*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My wedding will be open casket.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???