The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
A family that plays together cheats.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”