Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?