I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
won’t smith
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.