Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.