As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
