My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
You Might Also Like
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”