My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
The news is so predictable nowadays
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”