Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.