Got ya covered
You Might Also Like
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
cat vs inanimate object
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.