Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.