Every Adele song is about lasagna.

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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..


Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.


When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.


The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles


asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently


My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn


“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”