@kolchak

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

You Might Also Like

@_tomcrowley

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

@Stexcy

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@_rubdirtonit

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

@ParaJanitor

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@sharkies3

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”