Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Respect
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Omg 🤣